November 25th, 2009
November 19th, 2009
Lisa Tanner asked:
Help me save my marriage, please! That’s a common request today as a lack of commitment to anything pervades our society. Not just a commitment to the marriage, the spouse or the kids. But a general lack of commitment to anything at all.
You have made a commitment to your marriage by simply asking for help to save your marriage. Whether or not you succeed will rely totally on the strength of the commitment you have made.
Eventually, you will also need to get the same commitment from your spouse. But right now, you can proceed on your own and begin putting the pieces of your marriage back together. Or at least in the same pile for putting back together as a couple.
As you identify the problems on your own, you will also need to ponder some possible solutions. The more problems you can make go away on your own, the better the chance they you will succeed in helping your marriage survive.
There are many places you can turn that can help you save your marriage. You can try to drag an unwilling spouse to counseling, but that will not work. They have to be willing to go without coercion.
Help me save my marriage is a cry that should not be heard by anyone but yourself. You must learn for yourself what to do. You must begin doing it on your own. You must be willing to fight anyone to save your marriage, including yourself.
Lastly, you must get over all the small stuff that has accumulated over the years and start to rebuild from today forward. An extra dose of tolerance and forgiveness is a good place to start. While I am sure the problems are not all on you, I am also sure that at least some of them are.
“Help me save my marriage”, she said to herself. And she finally got some help.
Help me save my marriage, please! That’s a common request today as a lack of commitment to anything pervades our society. Not just a commitment to the marriage, the spouse or the kids. But a general lack of commitment to anything at all.
You have made a commitment to your marriage by simply asking for help to save your marriage. Whether or not you succeed will rely totally on the strength of the commitment you have made.
Eventually, you will also need to get the same commitment from your spouse. But right now, you can proceed on your own and begin putting the pieces of your marriage back together. Or at least in the same pile for putting back together as a couple.
As you identify the problems on your own, you will also need to ponder some possible solutions. The more problems you can make go away on your own, the better the chance they you will succeed in helping your marriage survive.
There are many places you can turn that can help you save your marriage. You can try to drag an unwilling spouse to counseling, but that will not work. They have to be willing to go without coercion.
Help me save my marriage is a cry that should not be heard by anyone but yourself. You must learn for yourself what to do. You must begin doing it on your own. You must be willing to fight anyone to save your marriage, including yourself.
Lastly, you must get over all the small stuff that has accumulated over the years and start to rebuild from today forward. An extra dose of tolerance and forgiveness is a good place to start. While I am sure the problems are not all on you, I am also sure that at least some of them are.
“Help me save my marriage”, she said to herself. And she finally got some help.
November 19th, 2009
November 17th, 2009
James Fargo asked:
Divorce is not longer a background issue for people getting married or who are married with the rates of splitting up skyrocketing due to many factors in our changing culture and social structures. Instead it is something always there as a shadow in their thoughts as they are bombarded with celebrities divorcing and media statistics that sow doubt and fear but do make people think how can I save my marriage before it becomes too late as they know where the road of marital problems can lead for half of married couples.
Another problem you may face trying to save your marriage is the belief that you are the only one trying and that no matter what you do it is being sabotaged by your partner who does not put the effort in or seems to deliberately make things worse. The strain on your life, health, work and happiness because of this can be devastating making the task harder and harder and many people simply give up and go with the flow without thinking or trying anymore perhaps also thinking it is a foregone conclusion; this is not always the case as you can save your marriage!
When you look at the strongest happiest marriages what is it you see? Commitment, compatibility, stability? All these things and more may be true but none of them can exist in a vacuum because commitment can be a miserable thing is you are not compatible and compatibility without commitment leads to infidelity or a slide into a situation you feel like friends but not partner and lovers. It is my belief that all the good things in a marriage come from one concept and one word that can be greatly misunderstood: Love.
Now most people DO love their spouse but the commitment to love and making it grow day by day can be forgotten or taken for granted. This leads to the real issues of happiness, contentment and passion being obscured by petty issues that become a surrogate method of releasing frustration in a marriage. Not that all arguments are about petty things but with an attitude of being in love even the difficult situations can be overcome together and this then becomes an issue very closely tied to love which is communication.
When you ask ‘can I save my marriage’ what you really mean is can I communicate my love to my partner and solve the problems that inhibit a loving relationship. This is all about methods of communication which are skills that can be very difficult to develop but when put in place can provide amazing results in defusing hostility, getting the core of a problem and then solving it which then solves the surface issues as well.
Divorce is not longer a background issue for people getting married or who are married with the rates of splitting up skyrocketing due to many factors in our changing culture and social structures. Instead it is something always there as a shadow in their thoughts as they are bombarded with celebrities divorcing and media statistics that sow doubt and fear but do make people think how can I save my marriage before it becomes too late as they know where the road of marital problems can lead for half of married couples.
Another problem you may face trying to save your marriage is the belief that you are the only one trying and that no matter what you do it is being sabotaged by your partner who does not put the effort in or seems to deliberately make things worse. The strain on your life, health, work and happiness because of this can be devastating making the task harder and harder and many people simply give up and go with the flow without thinking or trying anymore perhaps also thinking it is a foregone conclusion; this is not always the case as you can save your marriage!
When you look at the strongest happiest marriages what is it you see? Commitment, compatibility, stability? All these things and more may be true but none of them can exist in a vacuum because commitment can be a miserable thing is you are not compatible and compatibility without commitment leads to infidelity or a slide into a situation you feel like friends but not partner and lovers. It is my belief that all the good things in a marriage come from one concept and one word that can be greatly misunderstood: Love.
Now most people DO love their spouse but the commitment to love and making it grow day by day can be forgotten or taken for granted. This leads to the real issues of happiness, contentment and passion being obscured by petty issues that become a surrogate method of releasing frustration in a marriage. Not that all arguments are about petty things but with an attitude of being in love even the difficult situations can be overcome together and this then becomes an issue very closely tied to love which is communication.
When you ask ‘can I save my marriage’ what you really mean is can I communicate my love to my partner and solve the problems that inhibit a loving relationship. This is all about methods of communication which are skills that can be very difficult to develop but when put in place can provide amazing results in defusing hostility, getting the core of a problem and then solving it which then solves the surface issues as well.
November 11th, 2009
K A Jefferson asked:
Sometimes it may feel like you’ve tried everything you can think of to save your marriage on your own and your ready to go into a marriage counselors office and tell them “Please help me save my marriage”. You need advice from someone other than yourself and the thoughts going through your own head because at the moment the emotions are just taking over and you can’t think straight. I know, I have been there unfortunately.
You probably have some friends who made it through their marriage problems and managed to prevent divorce, you can ask them how they did it. See what steps they took, how did they work through their issues? They may not have the same problems as you, but some may. In my case, when I finally started talking to friends, I found that 2 out of 4 had the same exact issues as me. Don’t just think about people your own age either. Older couples have alot of advice on working through marriage troubles.
Even when they seem to have a perfect relationship now, you might be surprised to hear what they’ve gone through. Of course, the problem with asking friends for advice is they can only tell you what worked for them and unfortunately that may not always work for you. But it can give you some ideas.
The Internet is also a good place to find information on just about everything and marriage problems are no exception. You can ask questions anonymously and get a variety of opinions from people who have been through what you are going though and there are some well known and very helpful marriage forums online. You can also just read posts similar to your own situation and see the advice given and what others have gone through. I did this myself in a couple of well know forums and privately emailed a lady in my situation and she and I have become the greatest of online friends, helping each other through lifes ups and downs over the last couple of years, not only with our marriages, but with children, and any other bumps along the way. So while you are perhaps feeling miserable and don’t know where to turn, there are others out there who are going through the same thing and are willing to help online.
Then there is marriage counseling. A professional marriage counselor has training in helping couples resolve their conflicts and many years of experience working with different types of couples and problems. They have seen and heard it all.
Of course a lot of times only one person wants to go. (as was the case with me) Usually, the partner who doesn’t want to go believes the marriage is already doomed and he or she pretty much believes counseling is a waste of time. If you’re spouse feels that way, don’t give up just yet and don’t pressure or beg.
Counseling can help,sometimes, but it’s not a cure-all. And sometimes, sadly, it does not work at all. Did you know the average marriage councilors success rate is only around 30%? In some ways that makes it seem like its hardly worth shouting “Help me save my marriage!” at the counselor. But it is.
Counseling is definitely worth it if you can afford to go, if your insurance covers it and if your spouse will go.
What about Self Help Books?
While searching online for help, you’ve probably seen a lot of self help ebooks that give guidance for working through a rough patch in a marriage even when one partner is ready to call it quits, is cheating, has already left, and in some cases has even filed for divorce. They may not seem like it, but in reality, the best of these can be surprisingly effective.
Most of these plans were developed by highly experienced marriage counselors who found a “formula” for what works, so they usually have a success rate higher than that of most marriage counselors.
Sometimes it may feel like you’ve tried everything you can think of to save your marriage on your own and your ready to go into a marriage counselors office and tell them “Please help me save my marriage”. You need advice from someone other than yourself and the thoughts going through your own head because at the moment the emotions are just taking over and you can’t think straight. I know, I have been there unfortunately.
You probably have some friends who made it through their marriage problems and managed to prevent divorce, you can ask them how they did it. See what steps they took, how did they work through their issues? They may not have the same problems as you, but some may. In my case, when I finally started talking to friends, I found that 2 out of 4 had the same exact issues as me. Don’t just think about people your own age either. Older couples have alot of advice on working through marriage troubles.
Even when they seem to have a perfect relationship now, you might be surprised to hear what they’ve gone through. Of course, the problem with asking friends for advice is they can only tell you what worked for them and unfortunately that may not always work for you. But it can give you some ideas.
The Internet is also a good place to find information on just about everything and marriage problems are no exception. You can ask questions anonymously and get a variety of opinions from people who have been through what you are going though and there are some well known and very helpful marriage forums online. You can also just read posts similar to your own situation and see the advice given and what others have gone through. I did this myself in a couple of well know forums and privately emailed a lady in my situation and she and I have become the greatest of online friends, helping each other through lifes ups and downs over the last couple of years, not only with our marriages, but with children, and any other bumps along the way. So while you are perhaps feeling miserable and don’t know where to turn, there are others out there who are going through the same thing and are willing to help online.
Then there is marriage counseling. A professional marriage counselor has training in helping couples resolve their conflicts and many years of experience working with different types of couples and problems. They have seen and heard it all.
Of course a lot of times only one person wants to go. (as was the case with me) Usually, the partner who doesn’t want to go believes the marriage is already doomed and he or she pretty much believes counseling is a waste of time. If you’re spouse feels that way, don’t give up just yet and don’t pressure or beg.
Counseling can help,sometimes, but it’s not a cure-all. And sometimes, sadly, it does not work at all. Did you know the average marriage councilors success rate is only around 30%? In some ways that makes it seem like its hardly worth shouting “Help me save my marriage!” at the counselor. But it is.
Counseling is definitely worth it if you can afford to go, if your insurance covers it and if your spouse will go.
What about Self Help Books?
While searching online for help, you’ve probably seen a lot of self help ebooks that give guidance for working through a rough patch in a marriage even when one partner is ready to call it quits, is cheating, has already left, and in some cases has even filed for divorce. They may not seem like it, but in reality, the best of these can be surprisingly effective.
Most of these plans were developed by highly experienced marriage counselors who found a “formula” for what works, so they usually have a success rate higher than that of most marriage counselors.
